I considered..., therefore...

　　Although it's only been a little over twenty days since I last published my original articles on the writing platform, it feels like an eternity. I used to not understand why some people liked to present themselves as invincible, but now I understand—it's because they're protecting themselves. Only by protecting their outer shell and inner self can they avoid harm. I'm the same way. Generally, I don't like to complain, I don't like to bring negativity to others, and I especially don't like to let people see my vulnerable side. I only want to show my best side to others.

　　Because I was scolded twice by my family yesterday, I was in a bad mood, so I thought I'd go for a walk to vent my frustrations. Due to health reasons, I can't drink alcohol, otherwise I really wanted to drink to forget my unhappiness. So I could only walk around, look at things, and maybe buy some items I liked.

　　Why was I scolded twice?

　　The first time was because of a conversation with my mother. She kept telling me to learn something related to dancing, to exercise more to improve my health, and not to think about making money right now. She also told me to spend less time on my phone because it's bad for my eyes. I understand she meant well with both of these points, so I can't argue. But honestly, I'm not interested in dancing at all. My mother wants me to download a short video app on Douyin (TikTok) and learn to dance from it, but I know I don't have the patience to follow along. Dancing isn't really my hobby. Even when my mother wanted me to learn yoga, I refused. I genuinely don't like that kind of thing, and I can't force myself to like it. Dancing casually occasionally is fine, but to learn it seriously, I can't do it, I really can't.

　　I vaguely remember my mother video calling once, wanting me to learn Sanda (Chinese kickboxing), but I refused again. I worried that my weak body couldn't withstand the pressure of learning, and what if I fell and hurt my head, causing my old injury to flare up? Honestly, I have a psychological aversion to my old injury. I told my mother I could take a walk for an hour; after all, walking and enjoying the scenery is a pleasant thing. I'd also like to learn to ride a bicycle, but unfortunately, my bicycle is missing a part—one wheel can't be inflated anymore. So it's currently sitting in the stairwell, and even if I wanted to ride it now, I couldn't.

　　My mother said that once my health improves, making money will be a breeze. I naturally understand that with good health, going anywhere is no problem. Perhaps it's still my low self-esteem, but hearing my mother's words made me feel terrible. I don't want to be called a delicate flower like Lin Daiyu, yet some people have called me that before. I don't want my family to think I'm just a fragile doll, but some of them still think so, simply because I have to take medicine every day.

　　During my conversation with my mother, I wondered if improving my health and mobility this year would allow me to leave next year. After all, I've already bought a new combination lock suitcase; if it weren't for my family's opinions, I would have already left with it. Deep down, I yearn for freedom, for the person I was in school—the one who was ambitious, hardworking, and quietly striving for her dreams. I also long to go out into the world, make new friends, and do what I love, instead of staying at home, repeating the same things every day, my mind a complete blank.

　　The second meal was lunchtime. When my aunt was picking up food, I followed suit, but I raised my right hand holding the chopsticks. I had absolutely no intention of taking food from her, because we were each picking up different dishes. The dish my aunt was picking up was to my left, and the dish I was picking up was in front of me. Grandpa then said, "Don't pick up food when others are picking up food," and his tone was very stern, which made me very uncomfortable. Grandma said gently, "It's okay," but I still felt a little wronged, and tears welled up in my eyes, though I held them back so no one could see.

　　Because I was in a very bad mood yesterday afternoon, after dinner and taking my sister home, I went to clear my head. I went to the milk tea shop on the old street. My first purpose was, of course, that my sister wanted milk tea, and my second purpose was that I also wanted some. Whether I'm in a good mood or a bad mood, if I want to go somewhere, I will go.

　　I arrived at my usual milk tea shop on the old street. The owner wasn't there, only the proprietress. My friend had asked me to buy them a cup, so I bought four original-flavor milk teas. I finished mine there, of course.

　　While drinking my milk tea, I chatted with the proprietress. Because I had a cold, I ordered a heated milk tea for myself. I still remembered the scene at the milk tea shop last night. When I arrived, the proprietress was still having dinner; the owner wasn't there.

　　She asked if I was still in school. I could only tell her that I had dropped out due to health reasons, but I didn't elaborate on my situation. As we chatted, I shared my feelings with her. I felt we got along quite well; after all, she was from our village, though I rarely saw her there. She understood my feelings. She said she specifically encouraged those who were lost and directionless. Her niece had learned a skill because of her encouragement and was now earning money. Of course I understand. Having a skill means you can thrive in society and never go hungry. The proprietress even mentioned that I could have corrective surgery at an eye hospital in Shanghai, since she's too old for that. I casually mentioned that my mother lives in Shanghai.

　　Midway through, a friend called on WeChat to ask if I'd arrived at the bubble tea shop yet, and I could only say I'd just arrived. Chatting with the proprietress actually lifted my spirits considerably, and tears welled up without me even realizing it, though I don't know if the proprietress saw them. The proprietress thought I should explain to my mother, and she understood; what else could I do at home with nothing to do but look at my phone?

　　On my way back from the bubble tea shop, my friends told me they were waiting for me to play cards! Hearing this, my leisurely pace quickened. I bought what I wanted at the supermarket and rushed to my friend's house to play cards, which almost made me forget all my worries. We played until almost 10 PM before I finally carried my purchases home.

　　Some say don't choose comfort during your prime years for striving; others say people have the right to choose what they love and what they don't love, what they do and what they don't do. I know young people should be courageous and strive, but I really don't like being constantly reminded to do things I don't enjoy.

　　For example, online sales. Although my cousin once said she wanted me to learn how to do it and make money, I really don't like constantly promoting products on my WeChat Moments. I feel that many relatives and friends are already doing online sales—my cousin is one, two aunts, a high school classmate, and so on.

　　For example, dancing. Dancing occasionally is fine to relax, but I really don't like learning to dance. My younger sister is the opposite; she loves to dance, which is normal for a little girl, and every weekend afternoon she has to put on her dance clothes and shoes and go to a private dance school.

　　For example, if you force me to eat a dish I don't like, I won't eat more than a few bites. I just want to follow my heart. I want to walk my own path in the future, not have it arranged for me by others.

　　I've always reminded myself to be strong, that nothing is a big deal, which is why I call myself "Gentle Sunny Day," and my personal motto is, "A gentle smile brings sunshine." But even the strongest person has a vulnerable side, right? It's just that some people don't like to show their vulnerability to others, and I'm one of them. The owner of the bubble tea shop also told me that a happy mood helps one recover faster, and I understand that. If the heart is at peace, everything is alright.

　　I've always enjoyed watching TV dramas like *Meteor Shower*, *Meteor Shower Again*, *Happy Seven Fairies*, and *The Mischievous Princess*. I like the first two because I admire the female leads' resilience and unwavering spirit; they face any hardship with composure. The latter two are hilarious, and the characters live fulfilling lives. Although these dramas are quite old now, the main characters share a common trait: they dare to pursue what they want. Honestly, in *The Mischievous Princess*, my favorite character isn't the female lead, but a supporting character—the male lead's sister. She dared to pursue love wholeheartedly and let go without hesitation. Similarly,

　　I admire and envy the writer Sanmao, her courage to travel spontaneously, and her love for Jose. I haven't read much of *Stories of the Sahara*, but I admire Sanmao's courage to travel without hesitation, even knowing the road ahead is long. But I can't leave, even if I want to. There are things I want to say, but I don't know who to say them to. There are things on my mind, but I don't know how to express them in a way that others can fully understand. After all, I'm a pacifist and don't like arguing or confronting people. I don't want my family to be sad or have other thoughts because of some of my words. I don't want to see discord among my family, nor do I want to say anything too harsh. Perhaps one day, I will muster the courage.

　　Although last night while playing cards, I told my friend that I didn't want to be a good person or do any good deeds, I was just joking at the time. I really don't want to be a great person, but I don't want to be a great bad person either. I just want to be myself, stick to my principles, and follow my heart.

　　Last night, I thought about things almost all night, even while trying to sleep. What should I do for the future? What should I do tomorrow? If my health really improves this year, will I be able to leave next year? These are the kinds of questions. My mother wants me to be persistent, but my only persistence is sticking to my principles.

　　I thought about it all night, but I still don't have a concrete answer. I heard my cousin is getting married, and naturally I'm happy for her, but at the same time, I have a bad feeling. My aunt asked my mother if my cousin would come back for the wedding, and my mother replied that it was uncertain, but she would come back if she had time. I'm wondering how I should face my mother if she does come back—should I be honest and tell her what's on my mind, or should I remain indifferent? To be honest, my mother is very good to me and has high expectations, so I don't want to see her disappointed.

　　I'm happy for my cousin's wedding, but if it were me, I think I would be very resistant. Because deep down, I don't dare to easily trust a man and his family to accept someone like me who has epilepsy.

　　I think it's safer to rely on myself in the future, and because this disease is hereditary, I don't dare to have children rashly. I don't want my children to experience the same torment of this disease as me.

　　I consider that I have a better chance of relying on myself in the future, so I know I can't keep feeling lost and depressed. The future might be a bit tough, earning a living and taking care of myself alone.

　　I've realized I must learn to be independent and self-reliant, so I can't rely on others all the time; ultimately, I can only depend on myself. I know clearly that there's still so much I need to learn. For example, cooking skills—I can't expect someone else to cook for me forever, and I don't expect there to be someone in this world willing to cook for me for the rest of my life. And English—times have changed; it's not the closed-off era anymore. Foreigners visiting our country is perfectly normal. What if I encounter a foreigner someday? And making money—since I've decided to rely on myself, I have to work hard! Believe me, I'm definitely not someone who's inherently lazy and unambitious. It's just that sometimes when I'm in a bad mood, I don't want to do certain things.

　　I understand there are some things I can't talk about with others, some things I can't share, and I don't want to bring negativity to others. That's why I've always liked and appreciated this writing platform. Because of this platform, I can wipe away my own tears; I can speak my mind here; no one can stop me here. While writing this article, no one gave me a hard time. No matter how difficult the road ahead, I will keep going. Because I believe in myself, a gentle smile brings sunshine; a gentle smile can bring sunshine.

　　I consider that I still have many things to think about, so even if I can't figure something out right now, I won't dwell on it. After all, I remember my doctor reminding me not to overthink. I also remember the saying, "The past will pass, whether it's happy or unhappy, it will become a memory." I'm not someone who can't let go; on the contrary, if I can't lift something up, I'll put it down immediately.

　　I consider that I still have many things to do, so I won't always be depressed, I won't always be lost and directionless. I won't go into details here. Although I don't know how I would think or act if it were someone else, I still think that doing my best is enough. Yesterday's gentle, sunny mood has disappeared; now I just want to smile. 😊

　　I'm not someone who cries easily, unless I'm extremely sad, because I know that crying is useless. When facing real difficulties, crying can only release temporary pain; what we should do is find ways to get out of the current predicament.

　　The weather has been wonderful these past few days, sunny and bright. Until next time, to the text website and all my fellow users! I'm Wenwan Qingtian (Gentle Sunny Day), and a gentle smile brings sunshine. The photo of me wearing a beret last time didn't turn out well, so I took a few more as a memento.

　　…………

　　(The End)