The boy I liked back then

　　Does every girl have a boy who's incredibly outstanding in her heart? I think maybe so.
　　He was my senior in high school. He was in his second year of high school when I was in my third year of junior high. In my third year of junior high, I studied hard every day, hoping to get into the high school he was in. But in the end, I was accepted into another high school. I was instantly devastated and didn't even go to high school. I chose to study at a vocational school far from home. I hadn't seen him for two or three years.
　　We contacted each other occasionally, and I was always the one who initiated contact. Then one time, he posted a photo—he was in a relationship…
　　That year, I was madly in love with him. From the initial, light-hearted infatuation, it grew into thinking about him every moment of every day, wanting to see him every day, and secretly paying attention to everything about him.
　　That year, I asked myself many times: "Why do I like him? What do I like about him? He's so outstanding, why do I like him?" I still don't know the answer to the first question. There are too many answers to the second question. As for the third question, I'm speechless.
　　Do you need a reason to like a flower or a vegetable?
　　It's all just simple liking.
　　In those years, you were all I could think of. The past is like smoke, so many memories have fallen to dust.
　　My heart, like a vast ocean, is like a poem, impossible to sever, impossible to unravel.
　　The only solace was dreaming of your smile, that captivating smile that haunted my dreams for three years.
　　That year, that day, you told me many trivial things. I listened, I remembered, and a strange, unspoken flutter stirred within me. I listened intently to every word you said, for they held immense value for me. Once, during a summary lesson, you and your group gave an outstanding presentation. From that moment on, you became even greater and more profound in my eyes. After that lesson, I returned home, lay in bed, and reflected on what had happened. I was tired, truly tired, yet also content, truly content. Suddenly, I cried, and then fell silent.
　　In those years, I tried to get your attention almost every day, constantly longing for your captivating smile. But each time, you would only smile faintly and then walk away nonchalantly. Sometimes I wondered if you were truly as indifferent to me as you appeared. I wanted to give up many times, to escape this whirlpool of happiness, but an inexplicable force held me back. I tried my best to impress you every day;
　　perhaps this was the side effect of liking someone.
　　That year, my heart was captivated by your beautiful face and admirable qualities. Occasionally, you would contact me, and my heart would flutter with excitement. After all, you contacted me only occasionally. Gradually, I learned to pretend with you, remaining indifferent, laughing carelessly—all just to get your attention. I hoped that one day you would say to me on the phone: "You've changed, but I'm just one of many passersby in your life."
　　You are my dream, you are my longing, you are my other shore, you are my expectation for the next life, you are my undying yearning and gazing in this life. The day I said goodbye to you, we parted, separated by thousands of miles. Every day I think of your beautiful face, your sweet smile. Only after parting did I realize how much I loved you. Time flies. Several months have passed in the blink of an eye. At first, I thought of you every day until I cried, but now I think of you only once every few days. But when I have nothing to do, your captivating smile always lingers in my heart, impossible to shake off.
　　That night, I took the initiative to chat with you, but you said, "I'm a senior in high school, don't bother me." Was I being annoying... or did you simply not want to talk to me anymore?
　　The Yellow Crane has flown away, never to return; white clouds drift aimlessly for a thousand years. My heart will never see the Yellow Crane again. Later, my heart was also turbulent; I couldn't help but feel that another boy was better than you, more handsome, and more outstanding. But I still held onto that old affection because I believed that if you like someone and have made a promise, you should stick to it to the end.
　　In those years, when I was lonely and sad, I would still think of you. I've heard that when people are lonely, the person deepest in their memory will involuntarily surge into their hearts. But I don't remember what we did at school that summer. Instead, I remember that cold winter when I went to your house and you tutored me.
　　That year, the starry sky was more beautiful because of you. My heart was like a starry sky, and you adorned it, making it the only fixed star there. I would sometimes wander aimlessly on the bustling streets, and I would sometimes fall into longing for you. I panicked, but I didn't know why. Is my anxiety because I miss you so much, or because I'm so lonely? I don't know, and I never want to know. I'm going to bury my feelings for you deep in my heart forever, seal them away for a lifetime, and let them slowly fade away.